Truly Grotesque FAQ's

All the questions you ever wanted to ask the Prof., but were afraid they might be too grotesque...

These questions are extracted from the many emails and letters Prof. Malodorus receives from his readers. He is too busy and too hard to find to answer emails, so hopefully these FAQ’s should answer any question you might have and yes, this page will be updated regularly.

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Q: When did you first start writing?

A: My first writing (a dirty limerick) appeared and hopefully still appears on the bathroom wall of the john of Beecher Road Elementary School in Woodbridge, Ct. Incidentally, my age at that time was 31.

Q: What was your first published book?

A: My first published book, now horribly, inexcusably, out of print, is 1001 Ways to Avoid Painful Rectal Itch.

Q: How many books have you been involved with?

A: I've annotated over 100 titles, but most tend to go out of print quickly. I have never been exactly sure why...

Q: What other writing have you done?

A: I like writing long novels on the beach in the sand, but those don't tend to last very long. I also enjoy writing on my dinner plate with my food, but then my mother usually yells at me, misinterpreting my writing for playing with my food and she sends me to my room without supper.

Q: Have you a favorite genre?

A: Truly grotesque literature, of course...

Q: You write for both adults and children: which do you prefer?

A: I actually like babies and old people the most because they usually make the most grotesque noises, especially after eating large meals filled with legumes.

Q: I would like to write. What's the first step?

A: Read all my books. Read cereal boxes. Listen to books on tape. Write. Rewrite. Edit. Rewrite. Burn everything you've ever written. Start again. Go to a Zen Monastery. Meet a liger. Eat. Fast. Sleep. Read some more. And make sure that you avoid acid reflux on the page.

Q: I've finished my book. What do I do now?

A: Send a copy to yourself for copyright purposes. And when you do, remember it was you who sent it to yourself and don't open it up. And then send another to the Library of Congress. Please don't send a copy to me, my pet Spectacled Bear, Stinko, will eat it or use it for toilet paper. He is a nasty boy with many eating disorders.

Q: How do I sell my book?

A: I have no idea. But the best advice I ever got was, “Yo, Prof., why don’t you try standing on the street corner and screaming, ‘Buy my book, I need the money.’"

Q: But I need an agent - don't I?

A: No. I had an agent once. Actually, he was a secret agent and then he disappeared after Russia lost the cold war. So my advice is don't worry about agents, instead, focus on proper dental hygiene and shaving the hair growing out of your ears.

Q: I've got this great idea for a book. Let me tell you, and you can write it and...

A: If you have a great idea, go for it. Don't tell me, don't send it to me, don't do anything but spend a year writing it. And then another year rewriting and stay malodorus the whole time. In fact, recently, I lost the use of both my hands in a freak liger attack and I am writing this with my two big toes... So, obviously, you will want a writing partner who is a better typist than me. And one who clips his or her toenails.

Q: Will you read my manuscript?

A: Sorry, I'm not allowed to do that. The lawyer for Team Malodorus, LLC has strict guidelines about what I am allowed to do and if I break them, he will break all my toes and my shin-bones. But rest assured, I am constantly out and about, making the world safe for Killer Humungo Shrimp to roam the streets.

Q: How do I stay malodorus and truly grotesque?

A. This does not mean to never shower or bathe. Being malodorus and truly grotesque is more a state of mind and a state of acid indigestion.

Q: When is the next book in the series coming out?

A. Soon, baby, soon… Be patient…